


Hold Nothing? (2011)

by JennyB



Series: Lent 2011 [42]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Introspection, Lent Challenge 2011, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo reflects on the principle of <i>Muichi Motsu</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Nothing? (2011)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Lent Challenge 2011. Prompt: Don't get close to someone because your love for them will put them in danger.

You really are a bastard, do you know that? No, you probably don't. You're over there, flitting about like fucking Betty Crocker with a muffin tin, and I'm sitting here with a cup of tepid tea and pretending to read the paper while watching you. That's why it always takes me a god damned week to finish the thing - not because of Goku or Gojyo's random acts of stupidity, but because whenever you're around, I can't help but watch you.

"Would you like more tea, Sanzo?"

"What? Oh..." I don't answer you, but I push my cup towards the edge of the table, and the next thing I know, you're over here. I reach for my cigarettes so I have a reason to watch your hands while I light one. Your fingers are elegant, and there's an understated grace to their movements. And, like everything else about you, they're deceptive. You look like you could cradle the most delicate blossom in your palm and yet I've seen you crush a man's bones with your bare hands. But then, I like that duality.

You smile at me, and I just stare at you as I take a drag off of my smoke. I see your expression waver just slightly, and you hesitate for just a second before you return to the kitchen. I return to my paper, but I really don't give a damn about what's going on in the world. I'm thinking about that smile of yours. I've gotten pretty fluent in 'Hakkai-speak' over the years - more than I'd ever planned on becoming. Probably more than you'd like me to be. I know that you're disappointed with me. Or rather, you're disappointed in my outward apathy. The fact that I feign disinterest in everything - in you - bothers you.

I was careless that day. I forget what Podunk town we were in, but I remember you'd made miso and homemade ramen for dinner, and a peach pie for dessert. You'd even managed to get ice cream from somewhere. I'd sat at the table, drinking coffee and watching you wash dishes, and just for a second, I thought that yeah, I really could live a quiet life like that with you and be happy doing it. And of course, you caught me daydreaming. You didn't say anything, but I'll never forget the look on your face. It was like you could hear my thoughts and were thinking, _Yes, me too_. I think it was the first time I'd ever seen a truly genuine smile from you.

It's probably the last one I'll ever see, too.

As soon as I realized what had happened, I made a conscious effort to put my emotional walls up higher and stronger than before. I know my withdrawal hurt you. Like I said, I'm pretty fluent in 'Hakkai-speak', and I know you blame yourself for this. My conscience bothers me a little knowing that I've added to that burden of guilt you lug around with you everywhere, but I'm too much of a bastard to tell you to let it go. That it isn't your fault. See, I know that if you think you're responsible for this, you won't push the issue for fear of making it worse. I know it's an avoidance tactic on my part, and I do feel like an asshole for using you like that, but I don't do relationships, Hakkai.

I can't.

I want to. I want to let myself get closer to you and let myself love you, but I won't. If I let myself love you I'll only put you in danger. And I can't risk losing you - not after I've already lost so much. Maybe when this is over - _if_ it's ever over - I'll be able to finally let you in. I just hope that when - if - that day comes, you'll still want to. I hope that I haven't permanently damaged things between us with my shitty attitude. Worse, I hope that I'm not going to drive you to someone else who can make you happy. Isn't that the ultimate proof of just how much of a dick I am? I won't take you for myself, and yet I'm too selfish to let you go. Or maybe it's arrogance; maybe I believe that you _won't_ go. That you'll wait for me to be ready.

If you do that, you're a fucking idiot. And so am I, because I'm glad that you would.

I can smell peaches and I look over the top of my paper to stare at you. You're smiling as you put a pan of something on a cooling rack and then you put your damned muffins in the oven. Banana chocolate chip or some such bullshit for the saru. You must feel the weight of my gaze, because you turn to me after setting your timer.

"I made a peach cobbler. And I have ice cream to go with dessert."

I just nod, but your smile widens a little. It's like you know I'm full of shit, but you're too polite to tell me as much. Maybe I need to hear it from you, Hakkai. A dose of reality can't be bad for me. Hell, it might help me get my head out of my ass. We both know that I'm selfish, and that when it comes down to it the one who's weak is me. I'm weak because I'm afraid to live, so instead I live in denial. If I'm honest with myself, I already know I've broken my rule. I already care about you. Hell, the fact that I can't stop watching you or thinking about you proves that.

And I think you know that, too.

Maybe one day, you'll find a way to break down these walls I've erected around my heart to free me from this self-imposed exile and we'll both learn how to truly live.

But until then, _Muichi Motsu_. It's easier.


End file.
